It is very hard to believe that today is Day +700 post-transplant. It is also 23 months to the day since I received my donor’s marrow, just one more month until I celebrate my second re-birthday. And two years, three months, and sixteen days since my Leukemia journey began. Not that I’m keeping track, mind you . . .
My emotions run the gambit: joy, frustration, gratitude, anger, wide-eyed-wonder, depression, peacefulness, exhaustion, hope. But the one that stands out tonight amongst all of the others, is helplessness.
I have been steadily getting stronger over the last two months. My oncologist has no idea what turned the tides, but, like Robert De Niro in the movie, Awakenings, I quite literally went from my worst day to my current energetic self, overnight. I am now being gradually weaned off of my immunosuppressants, and I have gone from twice weekly photopheresis treatment to once per week. On Memorial Day, I went sailing for the first time in two years (and couldn’t walk for four days after!), and I have slowly started to exercise again. I’ve lost 15 of the fifty pounds gained through the one year of high-dose steroids. My energy level is about 85 percent of pre-cancer levels, and I am in school full-time in addition to working full-time.
Why, then, do I feel helpless?
Because in every direction I turn, someone in my life is dealing with some form of cancer. Close friends, family members, relatives of friends. I know what they are going through, what they are feeling, to a large extent. And I can’t give them the one thing they want most – to be rid of the disease.
I am a Leo. Those who know me best might argue that I am the very definition of the Sun sign. I am flamboyant, creative, dramatic, emotional, possessive, headstrong (that might just be the Irish in me, <wink>), and I love until it hurts. I want to help my loved ones and take away their pain. But life doesn’t work that way. Cancer doesn’t work that way.
But that doesn’t mean that I – that we – can’t make a difference in the lives of those around us who are dealing with the vile disease. Though we may *feel* helpless, we are not. We can pray, we can love, we can make a meal for a family dealing with cancer, we can provide babysitting, we can listen, send a card, we can wipe away tears, we can hold a hand.
We may not be able to give our loved ones what they want most, but we can be there to help them through the journey. Don’t let the feelings of helplessness get in the way of the gift you can give.
Yours in the journey,
Tammy
I’ll Stand By You, The Pretenders
The Road Less Traveled 
Tammy, you have been such an inspiration to me while we fight this dreadful cancer. I am not nearly as active as you, but, right now I cannot even walk my little dog. He is gaining weight and that frightens me. My last chemo is on June 25. After that, I have a one month weight to clear the poison from my system before having surgery. I can hardly wait to be able to walk my JoeyLuca again. He has been by my side (literally lol) every day to give me support and love.
My worker-sister, I cannot say how proud I am to know you and work with you.
Once again your writing skills bring me to tears. Maybe it was easier for them to arise this time as I have faced my own challenges, but they are nothing compared to what you have dealt with. You would be surprised how many times you have been in my thoughts — usually, to the self message “Tammy has dealt with worse pain and fear, you can deal with this which is minimal compared with what she had dealt with” and mine is so much shorter in duration — I am going home today after dealing with back surgery — which could have started as an “outpatient” surgery — now six weeks later I am finally going home. Short time compared to what you have gone through, but helps sensitize me. And your words of hope are much srtonger than your words of helplessness.
Tam, I would still love to see your blog put together in a book(let) or available on-line to all who struggle with cancer or other such diseases (do we have any others that are as scary a diagnosis as cancer?)/ Your blog is both soothing and inspirational. Aunt Gail
Love you more and more every day Sis! So proud of my little sister. We are both Leos…that explains a lot!