Day 25: The Land of the Living

The last time I was able to blog, I mentioned that I was waiting for the results of the biopsy on Tuesday (Day 21 post diagnosis).  The results came back inconclusive, with not enough cells to be able to analyze.  A repeat bone marrow biopsy is scheduled for this Monday afternoon, thankfully under anesthesia again.  Unfortunately, this pushes the timing of everything back a week, and means I will not be home to celebrate the boys’ birthday next week.  A bit heart wrenching, to say the least.

The day after that, I had one of my best days yet.  I felt strong, energetic, positive.  Wild horses couldn’t hold me down.  I put my running sneakers on, and did 10 laps around the 5th floor oncology unit.  Walking… should some of you be thinking otherwise (and why would you ever think that???).  🙂

But as Wednesday closed, my temperature gradually went up from normal to the 99-point-something range.   As the night progressed, the fever spiked.  And thus began the worst three days I can remember in a long time.   I had such violent chills, alternating with drenching sweats.   The doctors ordered cultures daily, trying to figure out what could be causing the fevers.  Also a chest/liver catscan to see if there was any fungal infection in the lungs or liver, which can happen in patients with prolonged neutropenia.  They all came back negative, so I just had this mystery fever that would go from 101 to peaking at 103.4 at about 4:15 am Saturday morning.

As I lay there, feeling worse than I can ever remember feeling, I have to admit – I thought I was done for.  Perhaps melodramatic, but I genuinely felt that bad.  The weakness was so profound that I could not string two words together for the medical resident when she came to check on me.  My heart was racing, air didn’t feel like it was fully filling my lungs and I couldn’t lift my arm when my tech came to check my blood pressure.  I managed to reach to my side table and pull down my picture of my two kids, and clutched it close.  I needed something physical to touch – to bring me back from the most intense moment of despair I’ve felt.  And as I held that picture, flaming hot tears traced down my face, and I wondered if I was going to see those boys again.  I really was scared.

Stat EKG was ordered (heart showed no damage from the fever, though I was tachycardic), I was given oxygen to help ease the breathing, and tylenol to help fight the fever.

Around 5 am, I called mom and told her to come down to the hospital.  I just could not be alone, and desperately needed someone there.  While I was waiting for her to get there, the fever began to drop slightly, giving me a little bit of relief.

The temperature rollercoaster continued the rest of today, going back up to 103 and then back down, but never below 101.  The nurse couldn’t give me the transfusion I needed until I dropped below 101.  Frustrating, as I was feeling symptomatic from the anemia.

Finally… around 10pm, the fever broke to below 101, and eventually to normal at 99.3.  We still don’t know why I had the fever, though one of the antibiotics was discontinued and an infiltrated IV line pulled.  The fever dropped shortly after those two events.  I don’t really care about why at this point, just glad to be back in the land of the living.  I’d like to keep it that way.

This song kept running through my head all throughout the last few days:

Chasing Cars, Snow Patrol