I woke up decidedly melancholy this morning. I underestimated just how upsetting cutting all of my hair off would be to me. Like Sampson in Biblical times, whose strength was in his hair, I felt that all my femininity was in my long, red tresses. To say that I shed a few tears would be understating the truth. In reality, I spent the better part of three hours alone with my thoughts and crying through it. Don’t get me wrong – no regrets here. I’m glad that I was able to have enough hair to donate, and I know that what is left on my head will fall out in the next few days to a week anyway.
In reality, I think it was just a combination of things that let to my mini-meltdown. Loneliness, missing my kiddos, the treatments, being transplanted out of my normal life to this new, but temporary, one. And let’s just face it: sometimes we all need a good, cleansing cry.
Pity party over, time to work it out MY way
Okay, so I allowed myself time to get emotional. But enough – I needed to do something to turn it around and get my head back in the game. So I put on my workout clothes and my running sneaks and… got on the bike. Blasted my workout music as loud as the nurses would tolerate 😉 and pedaled my heart out. Yesterday I did 15 minutes, today my goal was 30. I put my heart rate monitor on just to keep everyone happy, and make sure I was staying in a safe range. Can I just say that it felt *glorious* to sweat? My quads were on fire, and it felt fantastic. I was about 20 minutes in, and then my entire oncology doctor entourage walked in, doing their daily rounds. Without exception, every one of them had their mouths open when they saw me on the bike, pedaling away. “What, you’ve never seen a girl ride a bike before??” They laughed. I had to stop my workout briefly for them to examine me, but, all went well. I’m progressing well through chemotherapy, and they are waiting for the remaining cytogenetics to come back to determine my future treatment beyond the induction chemo. They left, and I got back on the bike to finish my remaining ten minutes. 🙂
Chemo Effects Begin
Today is day 4 of chemotherapy. Bag #4 was hung on my IV pole (which I’ve named Roger) at around 5pm. Only 3 more to go. Halfway!! But, with it, the side effects have begun to kick in a little bit. Over the last 24 hours, I’ve begun to lose my sense of taste. It started with a salty-metallic taste in my mouth when I was drinking, and now it has spread to everything I eat. Last week, a friend brought me Reese’s PB cups (my absolute most favorite treat), and I finally went to eat one today… and I couldn’t even taste it. Rats!! I could feel the peanut butter texture, but couldn’t taste the peanut butter itself. Not too long after, the waves of nausea started to hit and I decided to spend some time in bed.
Around the same time, the nurse came in to tell me that my hemoglobin had dropped to about 7.7 again, requiring me to have another transfusion. This one would bring the number up to five in the last week. So to bed I went, armed with Benadryl (given standard before a transfusion), and my warm, soft blanket from my friend Amy. I put on some good, soft music (James Taylor was the motivation of the day today), and took the chance to rest and catch up on emails while the blood transfused. Thanks again to all of you who have emailed and called and posted. I can’t keep up with a personal response to each, but I read every single word. And it’s keeping me going.
Looking forward to tomorrow’s sunrise.
Song of the day: You & Me, Dave Matthews Band
The Road Less Traveled 
ok, here’s the scheme: 1) we get some sobby sob-er to call locks of lovelies. Order a red wig – BAM! A wig of your hair BA-Da-BOOM! 2) We send Bill (he has to shave his head, no probs, right?) over to get the wig. He has to play pitiful though. He can practice in the mirror. 3) Cross dressers unite! What, they never saw a cross dressing chemo patient?? They would not DARE refuse him! 4) profit! So then you can ride your bike with your own-hair-wig. When it gets all sweaty, without missing a peddle stroke! Zing! Fling -into the sink! 2 points!
Slap on a nice scarf until the wig is dry – DO NOT STOP THE BIKE!
Make it so.
Ok, really. REALLY. I have been working in these hospitals since ’87. And I have NEVER seen a line item charge for “BIKE”. You have invented a whole new therapy. It will be named the Tamminator. It will be famous. There will be TED Talks about it. BIll Gates will fund it. Sal Kahn will do a video. People will camp in your front yard to hear stories of its inception.
Be prepared… you have unleashed… the Tamminator!
you are such a winner, Tammy, in so many ways ! so great to have your pity party, you deserve it, but then you push forward ! the ups and downs will happen but that is the process…and your positivity bounces back, that’s the talent my dear. you will never give up ! your hair will get back, definitely and will get back stronger. It is just a setback. love the shawls, the colors are very cool. especially, during the spring, and summer. even baseball caps or hats. as well as bill’s hair as a wig …love it. or everyone can shave their hair in honor for support. When you go to outpatient, you will see other people and will feel comfortable as to what you want and feel comfortable. You are the most important one…and you are the BEST ! we love you ! The treadmill is the BeST ! keep it going 😉 sending you thoughts and prayers daily ❤ and more !
Don’t apologize for a tiny pity party Tammy. I am amazed by your resilience and grace under the most extreme pressure. No regrets. No apologies. You do whatever you need to do to stay sane and positive . We are right along with you. Wow
Thank you so much, ladies! I appreciate the humor, the support, the encouragement. It is genuinely helping me get through each moment. Much love to you all.